My Personal Fear

Terror is more like it. Let me explain. One year ago they found an aneurism on the ascending aorta, right where it leaves the heart. We would watch it after 6 months to see if it has grown. Well the cardiologist never got back with me, so a year later, it was time to try to set up a ct-angiogram to find out what was going on.

This surgery is a dangerous one. Normally about 30% of those who have it don't survive. I've been wrestling with bad health issues for a few years now. I needed to build myself up, but every single time I tried to work out, I'd be sick again. The last several months were just non-stop coughing and sleepless nights and drainage from hell. Then my regular doctor tries to help me set up the appointment, but my cardiologist would not return her calls. So now we get another cardiologist. But meanwhile I'm terribly run down, dramatically increasing the odds I'd be one of those 30% that don't make it. Okay, we find out I've got asthma. Great. I can treat that, and for the first time, I'm able to diet and exercise and even feeling good for once.

Friday I go for the test. Unless there is an emergency, I see the cardiologist in April. If they want to do surgery, do I do it, or take my chances a while longer while I become stronger? If it bursts it is instant death. This is one of the powerless times in my life. Mostly I'm pretty good with that. But I do NOT want to die. When the decisions become of the level of life and death, it gets pretty scary.

I don't have the answers, nor does anybody else. I'm not seeking solutions. Oh and yes, some have it much worse. I feel bad for them. But it doesn't make this one any easier. People say knowing makes it better. I'm not sure about that either.

I do want to shout out for all the world to hear my frustration and my anxiety. Perhaps a blog entry is as close as I can get to doing that. Life offers lots of journeys, some pretty scary. This one ranks right up there in that department. My prayer is that I've got more time before we have to do surgery. Maybe I'll get lucky. Who knows? Acceptance will come. I'm not there yet.

A Time to Start Over, A Time to Grieve

It comes in everyone's life periodically I think. A time when full realization gives way to a reassessment over how one lives day to day. As long as I can remember, I've been involved in various causes for what I saw as improvement in the way things are done. Think gay rights, environmentalism, social justice issues. In some areas we made outstanding gains, and it was good to play a part in that process.

One thing however has become increasingly apparent. In the United States of Corporate America, the individual no longer matters. We now have the best Congress the corporations, now referred to as Dear Leader.corp can buy. It was with little effort and disarming ease that the corporate millions succeeded in destroying the first attempt to tackle health care reform in decades, replacing a public option with a co-op that in a relatively short time will just be one more insurance corporation, putting the screws to ordinary Americans, well like me. 72% before wanted this health reform. Now in a manner reminiscent of 1984, Americans are being re-educated to follow the corporate line. Dear Leader.corp succeeded in getting our president to acceding the corporate pillaging of our pharmaceutical costs and now has surrendered the one hope to control their greed through the public competitor.

In light of all this, it is time for me to reevaluate my own choices. I'm leaning towards the notion of bringing it all back home. Focus on my garden and my writing and making sure in every way possible I can be freed of corporate strings. My father died at age 48, my mother at age 70. I am 62 years old with a finite amount of time left on this earth before I become just one more blip among billions who lived and then died. It is time to seek my happiness, my passions, and my joy. Reflect on the beauties of the natural world in which I live, enjoy my annual garden, take walks with intention, spend time with my beloved partner and our animals. It is time to seek laughter wherever it can be found. It is time to experience the esthetically beautiful, and have long extended conversations with anyone who cares to listen and appreciate. Most important, it is time to stop fighting windmills. That must now belong to the generation that follows.

It will not be easy to separate of course. Politics has been part and parcel of my life for longer than I care to remember. There will be a period of grief. But the fact is this. We are now under corporate rule, with a Congress who serves their needs. On a national scale we have lost. Now only our own personal spheres have some hope of redemption. With but a few years left, I'm committed to working on my little space in the world. In my world there is room for morality. In the greater world, amorality is the calling card. Enjoy it you selfish blood sucking vultures, and though I do not believe in hell, I pray there was one where your carcasses could rot. For the rest, for my friends, seek peace and love. Can't beat that combo with a stick.