Monday, March 21, 2011

My Personal Fear

Terror is more like it. Let me explain. One year ago they found an aneurism on the ascending aorta, right where it leaves the heart. We would watch it after 6 months to see if it has grown. Well the cardiologist never got back with me, so a year later, it was time to try to set up a ct-angiogram to find out what was going on.

This surgery is a dangerous one. Normally about 30% of those who have it don't survive. I've been wrestling with bad health issues for a few years now. I needed to build myself up, but every single time I tried to work out, I'd be sick again. The last several months were just non-stop coughing and sleepless nights and drainage from hell. Then my regular doctor tries to help me set up the appointment, but my cardiologist would not return her calls. So now we get another cardiologist. But meanwhile I'm terribly run down, dramatically increasing the odds I'd be one of those 30% that don't make it. Okay, we find out I've got asthma. Great. I can treat that, and for the first time, I'm able to diet and exercise and even feeling good for once.

Friday I go for the test. Unless there is an emergency, I see the cardiologist in April. If they want to do surgery, do I do it, or take my chances a while longer while I become stronger? If it bursts it is instant death. This is one of the powerless times in my life. Mostly I'm pretty good with that. But I do NOT want to die. When the decisions become of the level of life and death, it gets pretty scary.

I don't have the answers, nor does anybody else. I'm not seeking solutions. Oh and yes, some have it much worse. I feel bad for them. But it doesn't make this one any easier. People say knowing makes it better. I'm not sure about that either.

I do want to shout out for all the world to hear my frustration and my anxiety. Perhaps a blog entry is as close as I can get to doing that. Life offers lots of journeys, some pretty scary. This one ranks right up there in that department. My prayer is that I've got more time before we have to do surgery. Maybe I'll get lucky. Who knows? Acceptance will come. I'm not there yet.