Journey to Darkness
Life brings us difficulty and hardship along the way, and we hope we learn and then move on…
Outside the ground is covered with snow. A big snowstorm is expected this weekend. Snow and ice are anathema for an old woman in a wheelchair. If I could get out to begin with.
I found myself staring at the blank tv screen. Most of my day is filled with silence. I love my wife dearly, but she is a true introvert, involved mostly with her projects, quite happy to be at home to pursue such endeavors. A few guests pop in from time to time. Help with a chore now impossible, on maybe 3 or 4 guests to visit and chat since early November. How I treasure those moments, fleeting though they may be.
So how did I reach this stage in my life? I’m a person who loves to be out and about, sharing time and stories with other people. My wife laughingly refers to me as the social butterfly. Learning, enjoying activities at shul or elsewhere makes me so happy. Even in a wheelchair, I could load it into the trunk and head out to wherever life beckoned. On November 1st, it all changed. I was loading the chair in the trunk. After several false starts with the doctor, an MRI was done and I had additional spinal damage that took away all the strength I had in my good leg.
Did I mention we live in an upstairs apartment, the stairs being steep and treacherous? Save for doctor visits, I am captive to these lonely oppressive walls. Coming back from the last doctor visit, as I negotiated the stairs, I became very dizzy. The world was spinning and I sat down and lay back but I felt myself losing consciousness and I reacted by leaning forward, initiating what could have been a long tumble down the stairs, but for the fact my right leg, the one now affected by my back issues, got caught on the stair and I proceeded to be a perfect imitation of a human pretzel, hanging on for dear life knowing that if I let go, well perish the thought. Robin managed to grab my coat, holding on for dear life as I reorganized all my body parts. Muscles overstretched, but they are healing nicely.
So I am wrestling with my place in time. How many YouTube videos can a person watch, or movies, or whatever? A new and very unfamiliar guest has arrived. I never was one to experience depression, something new to cope with. Unexpected tears for no particular reason. “Move,” people say. And how do I do that, the two of us confined in this space unable to go and look. I am starting to sort some stuff, things to toss and things to give away. Hopefully I can find volunteers when I’m ready to unload some of that. I’m doing Daf Yomi, a page a day of the Talmud which takes about 7 ½ years. I read when I can, but pain makes that difficult sometimes. Oh yeah, my pain levels increased in this latest incident. But I cope.
Sleep is my best friend. There my mind can wander, meet new people and see new things, and these walls disappear for a few hours. There is life, and then there is life worth living. As old age and loneliness takes its toll, I wonder where that life worth living can be found? If it can be found? Oh how I do not want to become that person sitting in the chair waiting for that final hour to provide blessed escape. In my heart there is so much life I wish to live. I’d doing the exercises, my part in trying to restore that place. Meanwhile a tear appears, wondering if it will happen at all. For some reason, a very dark poem I wrote many years ago during dark times comes to mind. I will share it here. I transcended it before. Perhaps I shall again.
AIMLESSLY
Like a fish on its side, body still, moved only by the motion about...
Bloated white-gilled swollen amidst the waves.
Currents driving towards, then washing away
But the fish cares not, senses dulled by time.
The flies swarm, waiting for their banquet to wash ashore,
The flesh willingly gives of itself, a feast
To vermin that wait for what they deserve least.
It matters not, no great concern. Serenity has found the fish.
The furious feeding on its entrails proceeds
For they feed on the rotting carcass of solace.
The struggle is over, for the fish has
Surrendered to the bottom feeders;
Its breathless form a delight to those
Who feverishly rip it apart for its peace.
A piece of peace, for the strongest and most ruthless,
Swarming fury, then emptiness.
They have found what the fish has already known.
Bones sink to the ocean floor, some wash ashore
And peace silently waits
To be discovered once more.
Jessica Wicks
copyright October, 1999
