Thursday, December 24, 2009

Some Christmas Thoughts

So here I am typing this. It is 11:30 on Christmas Eve. Robin has already gone to bed. We hoped to go to church tonight, but there was just too much snow, so we stayed home. Right at this moment, I feel the same pervasive sadness I do every year at this time. That is what I'm going to talk about.

Whatever complaints I might have from years gone by, Christmas was not one of them. As a child and after for many years, this was a holiday when family would gather around from everywhere at a designated place. Whoever had it could be assured a steady roar as we talked, laughed, caught up with each other's lives. I can remember helping aunts and uncles on occasion putting together toys for the next day.

See, call me silly, but when I was taught that family was important, I bought it. Hook line and sinker. They were important. They are important to me. I love every one of them so very much.

Some people do not handle gender transition well. In essence I became a pariah, shunned by the ones I love so much. Shunning is a terribly cruel process. Whatever differences cannot be talked about because nobody wants to talk. If only there was a way to let them know I did not do this "TO" them, but because it was my only shot at having any peace in my heart in this lifetime. If we could talk, we could explore our feelings, find ways to heal the hurt. I could explain it was not a matter of me lying to them all those years, but about me figuring it all out.

People tell me that it is their loss. But see, that is only part of the story, for we all lose.
Robin lost contact with her son as well. Same age as my daughter. I know Robin misses him so much.

So tonight I feel great sadness. I wish it could have been different. I had to do what I had to do, and the same was true for them. That doesn't make the absence any better.

So my prayer this night as Christmas Day approaches is this.

I pray for their happiness.
I pray for their health and hope the coming year is a blessed one.
I pray that they all find their happiness in this world.
I simply must pray that some day a spirit of reconciliation will be born and peace be restored. Until that day, may joy fill your hearts and love your souls.
Let the world be healed, the poor be nourished, and may we all study war no more. For this I pray.
For all my friends, acquaintances, my church family, and all who know me and are reading this now, may you all truly have a wonderful Christmas, Mithras, Yule, Kwanzaa, Solis Invictus, Chanukah, Eid, and a Happy New Year. May your blessings be!



  1. May God hear your prayer, Jessi. May it also reached your daughter and family in the beautiful simplicity and lightness prayer has.
    May you and Robin be blessed always, and particularly at this time when you would like to be with the children you love.

  2. Jessica,
    Thank you for your wonderful, heartfelt blog which we found through Tim's blog (Straight-Friendly). We wish you peace. Though no one can take the place of family, you have a community of people who love and need you for the real you. It is our vision that one day all people will be loved and respected.
    Mariah/Byron Edgington